Sawyer's hawk

We had a fantastic day today. Erik goes back to work tomorrow, so we tried to enjoy the day as much as we could for all of us.

The first thing we did was visit Sawyer. Sadie immediately ran over to his grave and giggled excitedly over the pinwheel Erik and I placed there a few days earlier. She knelt down and kissed the grass and told Sawyer that she loved him.

After that, she went skipping about the graves in a way that only a child could be so happy and carefree. While I was sitting on the ground next to Sawyer and watching Sadie, I heard this beautiful bird. I looked up and there he was - the same hawk that was there through Sawyer's entire service - the same hawk that glided in circles around the cemetery last week when Erik and I were there.

I yelled for Erik to come see and we just couldn't believe our eyes. He was perched in a tree right above Sawyer's grave making the most beautiful sound. We watched him for a few minutes, until he looked down at us and flew away. After walking through the wet grass with Sadie for a while longer, we left - without tears today and with smiles on our faces.

Sawyer's spirit

Even though Sawyer's never been here, it feels like there is a ghost in this house - in general terms.

Actually, the house feels more empty than it's ever felt.

His spirit is gone.

An old, white sheet covers his bassinet and all his things are carefully put away under the stairs and out of sight. But, we all know where they are. We all know that when we walk into Sadie's room, Sawyer's crib would be where her bed is and that the smell of baby lotion should be wafting out of the linen closet.

I think that's why we want to move so badly now. Sawyer was here. And we miss him more every day. It gets better, but it gets so much harder at the same time.