Sunday, December 12, 2010

A mother's instinct

It was a year ago today that we found out we were pregnant with Sawyer.

It was cold and snowing and I had taken a home pregnancy "line" test that showed the faintest little plus sign. I obviously couldn't trust that and neither did Erik.

So at midnight on that Sunday, he dutifully drove 10 miles down to the 24-hour Walmart and picked up a digital test. Needless to say, I slept easier that night after the word PREGNANT popped up on a tiny, gray screen.

When people asked how I was doing during the pregnancy, I'd always say that I felt good, but that something with the baby just "didn't feel right."

I said it over and over. I can't explain how I knew. And sometimes, I wish I really knew...

After Sawyer died and I looked back on my journal and all the blogs I had written about his short life and the journey to his birth - Almost everything was prefaced with that "not right" feeling.

I tell people now, that my heart always knew - it just took a while for it to get to my head.

And that's the thing about pregnancy and motherhood that gets lost today. Instinct. We ignore it when our hearts are pounding. Sit silent when a doctor attempts to calm your fears. Even though you just know something is dead wrong.

If I had any advice to give to any mother it would be to always follow that instinct. We have it for a reason - even though we might not always know it at the time.

My instinct saved my life - and gave me two precious days with my son that I might have never had.


Kalialani said...

I identify with this post 100%. I knew something wasn't right. I always beat myself up for not going to the hospital sooner, but I'm glad I did go when I did otherwise like you said, I might have not gotten the time I did with Leila. I'm happy you got those 2 days. They will always mean the world to you like my days with Leila. The advice you'd give is the BEST advice I think. I wish I would have been told that before everything happened. It definitely would have done me some good!
Thinking of you and Sawyer always.

TanaLee Davis said...

I totally get what your saying about something not being right. Doctors insisted for months that things were fine but deep down I did feel something was going to happen later. I just didn't realize what until it came. I think of you and sawyer often..hope your day will be easier tomorrow.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Hugs my dear, hugs....

Melissa said...

I can relate to those feelings of knowing something wasn't right as well. Sometimes I wish, like you said, that I REALLY knew. Would I have done things differently? Cherished each day she was inside me just a bit more? I'm not sure. I did always have that feeling like something wasn't right though and the night she was born my doc told me to wait until the next day but I just couldn' mother's instinct told me to go in. I'm nearing the date too where we found out we conceived so we must be on similar timeframes. Not really looking forward to living through all THOSE dates as well. =(

LetterstoClaire said...

I had a difficult pregnancy due to what my OB called "round ligament strain" after I spent a weekend painting Claire's nursery. My pain got worse about two weeks before I delivered Claire, but I was so used to being told "it's normal, rest, it's round ligament pain again" that I didn't think anything abnormal was going on. Now I know better- there are so many different things that can happen when you are pregnant, so many stressors on the body, that a lot of symptoms of preterm labor and other pregnancy conditions often get diagnosed as "pregnancy symptoms" instead of "pregnancy problems." I completely agree that your instinct is there for a reason and I wish that it was more common for doctors to trust it as easily as we do.