Thursday, December 23, 2010


Away in a manger,
No crib for His bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head

The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay

The cattle are lowing
The poor Baby wakes
But little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes

I love Thee, Lord Jesus
Look down from the sky
And stay by my side,
'Til morning is nigh.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sawyer's special gift

We received this in the mail today from a stranger. Thank you so much for remembering our son when so many close to us are afraid to say his name. Thank you.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A mother's instinct

It was a year ago today that we found out we were pregnant with Sawyer.

It was cold and snowing and I had taken a home pregnancy "line" test that showed the faintest little plus sign. I obviously couldn't trust that and neither did Erik.

So at midnight on that Sunday, he dutifully drove 10 miles down to the 24-hour Walmart and picked up a digital test. Needless to say, I slept easier that night after the word PREGNANT popped up on a tiny, gray screen.

When people asked how I was doing during the pregnancy, I'd always say that I felt good, but that something with the baby just "didn't feel right."

I said it over and over. I can't explain how I knew. And sometimes, I wish I really knew...

After Sawyer died and I looked back on my journal and all the blogs I had written about his short life and the journey to his birth - Almost everything was prefaced with that "not right" feeling.

I tell people now, that my heart always knew - it just took a while for it to get to my head.

And that's the thing about pregnancy and motherhood that gets lost today. Instinct. We ignore it when our hearts are pounding. Sit silent when a doctor attempts to calm your fears. Even though you just know something is dead wrong.

If I had any advice to give to any mother it would be to always follow that instinct. We have it for a reason - even though we might not always know it at the time.

My instinct saved my life - and gave me two precious days with my son that I might have never had.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Making arrangements

No mother or father should ever have to.

I never wrote about our experience with the funeral home because it's perhaps the one part of losing a child that we all want to forget. Except, I can't forget it.

We didn't have a typical funeral. No wake. I didn't want that for him. He was our baby and deserved a remembrance that would leave everyone touched by his spirit and love.

I wanted it to be beautiful and breathtaking. Just like Sawyer.

And it was.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

All heart

Sawyer's doing so much good. I can't wait to share my big news soon.

I'll never believe in a reason that he was taken from us, but I truly believe in the purpose of his short life.

Thank you for teaching me so much Sawyer and for touching the lives of so many. Our work has just begun.

"As we light a path for others, we naturally light our own way." - Mary Anne Radmacher