Sunday, March 6, 2011

Holding on to what I have

Yesterday was a particularly hard one for me and Erik.

I'm not sure why. It wasn't a significant date and there was no specific reason. The sadness just hung over us.

I could hear Erik in the kitchen late last night, humming a song that we both sang to Sawyer as he died - "You Are My Sunshine" - and he had a chair turned, facing out the window. He was looking at Sawyer's angel turning colors in the dark. I don't know if he knew that I could hear him, but I did. And I left him alone. You learn that about grief. That your spouse sometimes, needs that space to just be. And you grow together in learning how it all works. We grieve so differently, and at other times - we're right in sync with each other.

I crawled into Sadie's bed in the middle of the night. I needed to feel her against me. Know that she was safe and warm. I do that a lot. I can feel my broken heart pounding inside of me so powerfully when I do this...

Because when I yearn for Sawyer, there's nothing to hold against my chest. No cheek to stroke or hair to smooth.

I hold Sadie and I'm grateful. And I pray that nothing ever takes her away from me.

The sun is out today and we didn't talk about anything last night. The mood is softer, Sadie makes us laugh. And a new baby is persistantly kicking me all day long.

The hope mixed with the grief. The love pouring out over the loss.


TanaLee Davis said...

I had a day like that yesterday too. I have no idea just all what was bothering me but I do know part of it was the anxiety that hangs over me as I prepare to pack up all things...including TanaLee's to move. I'm heart broken. I thought I was finally coming to a peace with all that has happened but I guess I will still have those days.

I'm happy that you have your daughter to hold. I'm happy for that little baby growing inside you. I hope that comfort is found in your household.

Dana said...

Wow, this all resonates with me. The grieving together and alone, the knowing when to let the other be alone with it...and the gratefulness for everything we have having to be balanced with who we don't have. I lost my son on June 1 as well. I'm glad you have your husband and Sadie and the little one kicking you all day.

Mrs. Cody said...

I just came across your blog, care of Cora's Story. When you mentioned "You are my sunshine", I teared up. That is the song I sing to my newborn who is recovering from heart surgery.
I cannot say I understand your pain, but my heart goes out to you.