Sunday, February 19, 2012
We visited the cemetery today and - like always - carefully tended to our son's grave. We go to see Sawyer often. Probably more than most people think. The shock of his death has only very recently worn off, and there are still days where we feel completely numb all over again. I wish that people would be more considerate of our healing. That people would take a few seconds to think before they say so many things that can be so incredibly hurtful - not just to me and Erik, but to my children too. I had to hold my son and watch him die. Imagine that. Just try to imagine watching your child slowly die in your arms. So forgive me if I'm taking too long in grieving his life. Because even if I lived on this planet for all of eternity, I'd never get over it.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Two Years Ago... I knew nothing about congenital heart defects - yet I was pregnant with a sweet, baby boy - who had one of the rarest CHD's of all. I had an ultrasound of my unborn son and saw his heartbeat. I thought that simply seeing a heartbeat, meant that his heart was fine. I did not know that my son's life was quickly ticking toward the end, even though it had just started. I knew something was wrong, felt that something about Sawyer wasn't right. But, could never put my finger on it. I couldn't imagine the anguish, sadness and ache that would follow the loss of my son. I did not know any other mother who had lost a baby. I was just 3 months away from having to make the most difficult, heartbreaking decision of my entire life. A decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was naive. Bad things happen to other people, not to me. Sawyer, your broken heart has taught me so much. It has almost been two years since you were gone, and in that time I have made wonderful, life-long friends and learned so much about grief and bereavement. The one thing I don't want is for people to look at your death as a statistic. Yes, you were 1 in 100 babies born with a CHD every single day. Yes, you were 1 of the 4,000 babies who don't live to see their first birthday because of a CHD. Your life, as brief as it was, has so much purpose. Thank you my sweet baby. I love you.