Movie in the park...

We went and saw the Wizard of Oz tonight and one quote from the film stood out among all the rest -

"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved."

I love you Sawyer.

All the places Sawyer went

Before I forget, I wanted to write out a list of places I had been over the 7 months I was pregnant with Sawyer. Wherever I went, he went. So here we go...

The beautiful park in downtown Morris. We went a lot with Sadie when the weather started to get nice and before I went on bedrest.

You were in a parade! In March, we rode the float in Manhattan's annual Irish Fest parade and we won the biggest clan award.

We also went with Aunt Mary and Jacob and your sister to the Little Red Schoolhouse. It was muddy and wet, but we braved the trails and had a really special time together.

At the end of March, we all went to our very first Easter Egg hunt. Sadie danced with you and Mommy to the fun music they played.

It was a really warm spring, so we went to the zoo with Grandma, Aunt Mary, Jacob and Sadie in early April. It was a lot of fun and we always had to stop in our tracks to find a bathroom. It was right around this time that I really started to show with you. I was so happy, maybe glowing is the right word instead.

One of the last places Sawyer went with Mommy and Daddy was to an Alan Jackson concert. We went just two days before we found out there was something wrong. You kicked along to the music while Mommy and Daddy danced and held each other close. I'm so glad we all got to dance together.

Most of all, we spent a lot of time at University of Chicago - visiting the doctor to always check and see how you were doing. I'm so grateful for all the ultrasound pictures we have of you - it's almost a complete documentation of every month of your life in the womb. A lot of mothers don't even get that. And I did. We're one of the lucky ones.

I love you sweetheart. And everywhere we go now, we know you are there with us. Forever.

Happy one-month birthday

My beautiful angel would have turned one-month-old today.

Would I have been able to hold him yet?
Would I have him held against my breast, nursing his fragile body into strength? Would his isolette be decorated with bright colors and warm blankets?

Maybe he would have smiled for us by now...

Instead, we will mark this occassion by visiting a monument company and picking out a headstone for our dead baby. Happy birthday Sawyer, here's a slab of granite.

Everyday, I pray to God for you. I tell him to let you how sorry I am for what happened. I miss you and even though my heart tells me that you're safe - my soul, my entire body - needs you here.

I want to see you just one more time. Just once more, God. Please give me that. I want my baby back.

I want so many things for him. Our dreams and hopes for our first-born son, our sweet baby Sawyer - are gone.

Broken hearts

I want to sleep forever.

We will always be together that way.

I could finally see your eyes.
Are they blue?

I'm blue. My heart is blue.
It's broken, just like yours.
But I keep living.

How is it possible that I'm here and you're not?
It's all wrong.

Take my heart.
Take me instead.

I want to die.

Sawyer's diapers

"Do you need any batteries for mobiles, toys or maybe a bouncy chair? Anything at all?" she asked me cheerily. I wanted to tell her, yes. Please. Give me a hundred batteries. I want to hear the soft sounds of the ocean coming from Sawyer's bouncy chair. I want to tuck him into his warm blanket while the soothing music from his crib's music player wafted over his tiny ears. I wanted my baby. "No, not right now," I blankly said. And I left.   

All around me...

Is it just me or is everyone pregnant - and are there babies everywhere - and I'm just the sad, sickened mother of the dead baby in the corner noticing it all?

Still: A Collection Of Honest Artwork And Writings From The Heart Of A Grieving Mother

If you know anyone who has lost a baby, buy them this book. I wrote the author today who I only know through her amazing website and project - sweetpeaproject.org - Here is my letter to Stephanie Cole:

Stephanie,

I finished your book today in the shade of the public pool under a perfectly blue sky with the puffiest, white clouds floating high above. My husband took the day off work and we all went together with our two-year-old daughter, Sadie. I got into the water for a few minutes. But I couldn't stand watching everyone splashing around, looking so happy.

I'm so glad I packed your book.

I picked up where I left off and finished it in less than two hours. I wanted to thank you for what you've written, what you've shared. I've been keeping a blog online and writing in a few different journals - one I started before Sawyer was born and one that I received from the hospital. I try to be so honest, especially on my blog, that I sometimes worry about what people think of me - "The mother of the dead baby." And your book has inspired me to continue writing and sharing my pain, anguish, grief, frustration and whatever other emotion strikes me - with the world.

What you've done is more than brave - it has shown that we all have our own story to tell. And you told yours in the hopes that it brings some kind of comfort to another mother, facing the same nightmare that we all could never imagine living through - yet here I am. And here you are. And we are living through it.

Thank you again, and I do look forward to working with you in the future with your Sweet Pea Project and our (not-yet-named) bereavement box project that we are starting in honor of Sawyer. Much love and peace,

Michelle Williams