We went out for a shopping trip last night, one of our first as a family. Landon was fed and full, slept the entire time in his carseat. We were stopped, more than once...
"He's so sweet!"
"How old is he?!"
"I bet you're not sleeping at night!"
We smile, say thank you and move along.
The one thing I can't get out of my head though, is Sawyer. And especially how I felt just one year ago. I can't be completely beaming with the pride of a new mother. Instead, I worry that there might be another mother, grieving the loss of her baby. Trying not to look at our baby, but finding herself staring - hiding her tears.
I want to tell her I'm sorry, and that I was - and still am that mother.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Brothers
Every time I look at Landon when he's asleep, I cry. Most of the time, it's just for a moment - But there are some days, where the tears just won't stop.
He looks just like his brother.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
If I only knew...
I thought we were doing well.
Today, was hard. Such a small word to describe the enormous pain of reliving every moment of one tiny life.
I feel so much guilt.
We were getting ready to go to bed and I couldn't remember if I prayed the night before he died. I looked at Erik - my eyes filling with tears, "Did I even pray? I must not have prayed hard enough."
How many times did we visit the NICU on his second day? Was it really only three? What kind of mother visits her sick, premature son only three times in an entire day? I never should have left his side. I wouldn't have ever left his side if I knew...
The last visit we had with him was perfect. I held onto his tiny hand and stroked his delicate cheek. I remember talking with his nurse, we were all so hopeful for Sawyer.
The last thing I said to my baby was that I was sorry for not being there more. That every single day I would be able to visit longer and longer as my body healed from the c-section.
It was so hard to leave him that night because he looked so good. His color, his stats - he was stable for the first time since he was born. We went to sleep with peaceful minds, thinking that we had better rest up because the coming weeks and months that were ahead of us were going to be long.
If I only knew...
Today, was hard. Such a small word to describe the enormous pain of reliving every moment of one tiny life.
I feel so much guilt.
We were getting ready to go to bed and I couldn't remember if I prayed the night before he died. I looked at Erik - my eyes filling with tears, "Did I even pray? I must not have prayed hard enough."
How many times did we visit the NICU on his second day? Was it really only three? What kind of mother visits her sick, premature son only three times in an entire day? I never should have left his side. I wouldn't have ever left his side if I knew...
The last visit we had with him was perfect. I held onto his tiny hand and stroked his delicate cheek. I remember talking with his nurse, we were all so hopeful for Sawyer.
The last thing I said to my baby was that I was sorry for not being there more. That every single day I would be able to visit longer and longer as my body healed from the c-section.
It was so hard to leave him that night because he looked so good. His color, his stats - he was stable for the first time since he was born. We went to sleep with peaceful minds, thinking that we had better rest up because the coming weeks and months that were ahead of us were going to be long.
If I only knew...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sawyer's first birthday
We let balloons go for you.
Sadie gave you a beautiful windchime with tiny dragon flies.
Mommy and Daddy read poems. We all sang "Happy Birthday" and watched as a hawk circled gracefully above.
After dinner, we went back to the cemetery. It was dusk. The sky turning from dark blue to black right before our eyes. Instant stars twinkling in the night sky.
I had to go back. I told you how sorry I was that on the day you were born, we never had the chance to see you. If I only knew Sawyer, I would have never left your side. I would have stayed with you every second of your tiny life and held your hand.
I know you are safe. I saw where you went, and each day here on earth is just one closer to being with you again. All of our love...
Sadie gave you a beautiful windchime with tiny dragon flies.
Mommy and Daddy read poems. We all sang "Happy Birthday" and watched as a hawk circled gracefully above.
After dinner, we went back to the cemetery. It was dusk. The sky turning from dark blue to black right before our eyes. Instant stars twinkling in the night sky.
I had to go back. I told you how sorry I was that on the day you were born, we never had the chance to see you. If I only knew Sawyer, I would have never left your side. I would have stayed with you every second of your tiny life and held your hand.
I know you are safe. I saw where you went, and each day here on earth is just one closer to being with you again. All of our love...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday morning
Today felt like the day.
Tuesday.
The day after Memorial Day.
A trip up to the hospital.
The last time we did the exact same thing on the exact same day, it all started.
I was awoken out of my sleep when my water broke. I was half-dazed, walking to the bathroom and could feel my pants starting to soak with fluid. I thought I had urinated on myself at first.
When I turned the light on, I looked down to notice that my pants were tinged with a pinkish color. I smelled them. It smelled like nothing at all. I knew what happened.
Erik had been sleeping on the couch because he had a terrible cough just like me. I punched him hard in the back to wake him up. I had him smell my pants too. Same thing, nothing.
I was terrified and shaking. Erik called my mom and told her she needed to get to the house, now. I - and I still have no idea why - took a shower. I felt that I absolutely had to take a shower first before we could leave. Besides, we had time - no one was here yet to watch Sadie.
While I was in the shower, Erik had tried to call our friends - Carrie and Mike - a few times (they live just a few doors down from us) but there wasn't an answer. So he ran down to their house and rang their doorbell until someone came downstairs. Carrie was here just minutes later as we were ready to walk out the door.
I will never forget how scared I was at that exact moment - Carrie gave me a huge hug.
I remember the sound of my shoes as they pounded down the stairs out to the garage. I remember driving in the darkness and silence all the way to Chicago. I remember Erik pulling into the parking garage, desperately telling the attendant that I was in labor - where do we park? I remember, with each contraction, thinking that we were never going to make it to the hospital.
We did make it. And for that time, we were still okay - together. Three hearts beating.
Tuesday.
The day after Memorial Day.
A trip up to the hospital.
The last time we did the exact same thing on the exact same day, it all started.
I was awoken out of my sleep when my water broke. I was half-dazed, walking to the bathroom and could feel my pants starting to soak with fluid. I thought I had urinated on myself at first.
When I turned the light on, I looked down to notice that my pants were tinged with a pinkish color. I smelled them. It smelled like nothing at all. I knew what happened.
Erik had been sleeping on the couch because he had a terrible cough just like me. I punched him hard in the back to wake him up. I had him smell my pants too. Same thing, nothing.
I was terrified and shaking. Erik called my mom and told her she needed to get to the house, now. I - and I still have no idea why - took a shower. I felt that I absolutely had to take a shower first before we could leave. Besides, we had time - no one was here yet to watch Sadie.
While I was in the shower, Erik had tried to call our friends - Carrie and Mike - a few times (they live just a few doors down from us) but there wasn't an answer. So he ran down to their house and rang their doorbell until someone came downstairs. Carrie was here just minutes later as we were ready to walk out the door.
I will never forget how scared I was at that exact moment - Carrie gave me a huge hug.
I remember the sound of my shoes as they pounded down the stairs out to the garage. I remember driving in the darkness and silence all the way to Chicago. I remember Erik pulling into the parking garage, desperately telling the attendant that I was in labor - where do we park? I remember, with each contraction, thinking that we were never going to make it to the hospital.
We did make it. And for that time, we were still okay - together. Three hearts beating.
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