Monday, November 8, 2010

Retreating

Life is so busy.

No time to sit here and really write what runs through my mind. I have a journal that I keep on my dresser. When a thought comes, I jot it down as quickly as I can so that I have it forever.

The memories aren't as vivid any more. I hate that.

I find myself drifting a bit. Away from family and friends. Wanting to just be alone with what I have now and needing time to consume all of it.

The fog of our nightmare, however, is lifting. The heavy pain heaped upon my shoulders is beginning to become more bearable to carry.

There are days when out of nowhere, a certain feeling creeps back into my stomach and heart. That sensation of feeling like you've been kicked in the stomach. Realizing that all of this did happen to you.

Sadie has been talking about her brother a lot. I wonder if he visits her in dreams or in beautiful fall sunsets. When I asked her what she wanted for Christmas a few days ago she said, "My baby brother."

How does a mother answer that? There isn't an answer.

A mother smiles through the tears, hugs her daughter and says "I do too sweetie. I do too."

It's almost six months.

Six months.

5 comments:

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thinking of you!

Danielle said...

I completely understand, but I can't imagine what it is like to hear your sweet little one ask for her baby brother...that breaks my heart! Thinking of you...

Jessica said...

:*( thinking of you through this <3

mommy4boys said...

I have those days too, but at least they are days and not weeks, anymore. And I have those days when I think, "Wow, have I really been through this?"
Sorry that Sadie's heart is so broken. Children are supposed to be so innocent, and the death of a sibling takes some of that innocence away. Colton asks me often, "Do you miss Lucas and Caleb, Mommy?" I tell him that I do all the time and he says, "Me too." It just breaks my heart.

You're doing so well, momma. Sending you some hugs!
~C

Sydney said...

I'm a new reader to your blog. I am constantly amazed at how large the baby loss community is and even more inspired at all of the moms out there who have so strongly described their stories of loss, grief, and recovery. My daughter passed away on 10/28/2010 after she was born prematurely at 23 weeks. I knew right away that I wanted to share her story. I didn't know then how many people I would connect with and how much hope I would receive from mom's like yourself who are moving forward gracefully. It has been less than a month for me, and I've been told by many that six months most often marks a little bit of a turn around in the grief. I'm more afraid for how I'll feel 10 years from now, 20 years from now- or 50 years from now and how much of her I'll be able to hold on to when so much time has passed. I suppose that is our jobs as mothers though- to keep memories alive for them, even when they are not here to do so themselves. I'm a follower of your blog now - Sydney @ www.letterstoclaire.com