I ask myself what would life be like right now if Sawyer was still here? How would he be doing? Would he be growing? Would he open his eyes for me?
I would be 30 weeks tomorrow. Which is a crazy thought because I should still have another 10 weeks, over two months, to go with my pregnancy. August 24th is such a long time from now. I wonder if that date will bring some closure or just make things worse?
It seems like every single day gets a little worse. Some days, it feels like every hour hurts more than the last. People tell us to stay strong and keep our heads up - but it's almost impossible at times when the overwhelming sadness consumes you. It's just the way it is. I can't change anything, I can't change how I feel.
Every night I pray to God, then I talk to Sawyer. It brings some of the only comfort I've been able to find. Erik and I cry to each other every night before we fall asleep. Then we pray together.
We have all his things in a chest in our closet. At first, we would go through it all the time. Now, I can't even bring myself to open it, fearing what the smell of his little blanket would do to me. At the same time, I ache for his things and his smell.
I just miss our baby so much that the pain is surreal. Life is constant tunnel-vision.