Sunday, August 8, 2010

Fear takes over

I am afraid.

Afraid to get pregnant again and afraid for every pregnant woman I see. When I look at pregnancy now, all I see is a ticking time bomb.

Mothers walking around, their faces glow and beam. And I think to myself, you have no idea.

One of the most beautiful and precious gifts of life is tainted. My body failed me, and there is no reason why. My son is buried and my arms are empty.

I feel everything hitting me so much harder now. I've heard that it gets better, but I'm still waiting and waiting.

Sadie plays alone. Sawyer's crib is hidden behind the stairs with a white sheet draped over the top. It shouldn't be like this!

I've been focusing a lot of my anger into organizing a walk for mothers to honor and remember their babies that have been taken too soon. I can't just sit here, idly waiting for life to get better. And I'm trying so hard to just try.

And again, life goes on - and I'm still trying to adjust to the "different."


Laurie said...

I know. I need to get more sleep. But, what I hate, is how, that only changes my physical state a little. I have more energy to feel all of the above. And yes. I know...I do that too - I'm actually so, so scared for all my friends who are having babies. They don't know, it, but I fear for them - and I can't help it. I can't them to have their babies so I know everything is's like when I see them I'm watching a train that I know might derail SO fast... My friends baby had a fever the other day. It scared the heck out of me. And the baby is fine (thank God). And then I think other things...won't go into that here. But I'm sure you can guess.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

The sad thing is, we see pregnancy, pregnant women, and such this way. But those other pregnant women probably take their pregnancies for granted. I know I did, even though it took us 26 months to conceive. Well, I did until that horrible day.

rebecca said...

I agree, I'm shocked that anyone makes it through pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end of it, I'm completely jaded. And I too feel some days the grief is just getting harder to bear not's such an intense, difficult process & so hard to accept. Thinking of you!

Michelle said...

Can I just take a moment to tell you girls how much I even appreciate that you read this, let alone support me. I am so grateful to have all of you as friends and am here for you in any way, any time. Just in case you didn't already know that :)

Whittney Tomczyk said...

Oh girl, I always read your blogs. I feel the same way. I feel like "meeting" all of these other babylost moms is such a blessing, but it also opens my eyes to all of the horrible things that can go wrong. I had never even heard of CDH when they told me Owen had it... and now I have read about dozens of other disorders and problems, and it really does seem like a miracle that anyone gets to take home a healthy baby. I hear you.

Lara + Chris said...

I feel the exact same about pregnancy being a ticking time bomb. I see pregnant women doing everyday things...walking, grocery shopping, or most terrifyingly, dancing at weddings!!...and my heart drops and I want to shake them and say OH MY GOD DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BABY COULD DIE???? And of course, they're fine. I'm the crazy one. :/