Friday, August 13, 2010

The Nothing

Sadie knows Sawyer.

She knows he is a baby and knows that he is her brother. She is a big sister, with no sibling. An only child to most people.

Sadie keeps asking for Sawyer. She doesn't ask if he's coming home, instead - she demands.

"I want my baby brother! I want Sawyer!"

Her demands come with tears and anguish. Do you know what it's like to see your two-year-old child look at you with that kind of unimaginable hurt in her eyes?

Sadie sees other children with their baby brothers or sisters and wants to be with hers.

She loves Sawyer so much. I can tell you for a fact that she hugged and kissed him more than any of us ever got the chance to. Constantly lifting up my shirt to hug and kiss her baby brother.

She was full of the same anticipation that we were bursting with. And now she's full of nothing. The nothing posed a lot of questions at first, and now, the nothing wants what it can't have.

God, I wish she could have seen Sawyer. I wish she was there to hold him. To say hello and to say goodbye.

We miss you Sawyer. Sadie loves you so much. She was going to teach you so many amazing and wonderful things. We were all going to marvel at it.

And we were going to live happily ever after.


Kristine said...

Oh, this is heart wrenching. A sibling's grief. Sending lots of love to Sadie, and of you course, and always, you.

Jennifer said...

I know how this feels! My baby girl can't understand why we will not go to the hospital to get her brother. It is gut wrenching. I actually blogged about this last night as well.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I have to tell you Michelle, that I really believe children are the closest to our lost babies. I have a niece who knew I was pregnant, but it wasn't like I saw her everyday. Since Wyatt has been away, she continues to tell her mom and dad that she sees him. She says that he is smiling at her and he tells her things.
I hope that eventually Sadie can have this gift with Sawyer. It truly is amazing. I honestly believe (and I know this sounds strange), but I believe that Wyatt talks with my niece, Shaelyn.