Overcome with exhaustion, I decided to lie down late this afternoon. I fell asleep almost immediately and had a dream that was so vivid and alive that I woke up instantly when it had ended. Stumbling - consumed with fatigue - I had to grab my journal off the dresser and write. I didn't even know what I had written until I finished.
It was a moment where the words poured out of me - rare - and one I won't forget...
August 1, 2010
2 months since you've been gone.
Days and days with no sleep and I finally just crashed, collapsed.
I don't remember falling asleep - it was instant.
I had a dream. Same life as I live now. Sawyer is dead - life has moved on - but we never buried him. It was my choice.
Wherever I went - I would take his tiny body and carry it with me.
He wasn't anything awful to look at. It was just, simply, Sawyer - and he was dead. And I didn't care - and I loved him - and I carried him around to prove it to every single person that could see me.
And as I furiously write, to not forget, I realize, that is exactly what I have doing the entire time - this unthinkable image is real.
You might not see Sawyer - but he is here - and I am carrying him with me everywhere I go. Every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life.
And this dream has helped me to realize that he really is with me - and it is a beautiful burden that I must endure.
And life goes on - and I carry Sawyer through it all.