Sunday, August 1, 2010

I will carry you

Overcome with exhaustion, I decided to lie down late this afternoon. I fell asleep almost immediately and had a dream that was so vivid and alive that I woke up instantly when it had ended. Stumbling - consumed with fatigue - I had to grab my journal off the dresser and write. I didn't even know what I had written until I finished.

It was a moment where the words poured out of me - rare - and one I won't forget...

August 1, 2010
2 months since you've been gone.

Days and days with no sleep and I finally just crashed, collapsed.

I don't remember falling asleep - it was instant.

I had a dream. Same life as I live now. Sawyer is dead - life has moved on - but we never buried him. It was my choice.

Wherever I went - I would take his tiny body and carry it with me.

He wasn't anything awful to look at. It was just, simply, Sawyer - and he was dead. And I didn't care - and I loved him - and I carried him around to prove it to every single person that could see me.

And as I furiously write, to not forget, I realize, that is exactly what I have doing the entire time - this unthinkable image is real.

You might not see Sawyer - but he is here - and I am carrying him with me everywhere I go. Every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life.

And this dream has helped me to realize that he really is with me - and it is a beautiful burden that I must endure.

And life goes on - and I carry Sawyer through it all.


Wyatt's Mommie said...

My sister lost her boyfriend 5 years ago to the day that I lost Wyatt. She used to tell me about her dreams and "the signs", but I never fully believed her. Until now. I am so glad you are receiving signs and dreams about Sawyer. It makes me feel that signs and dreams really do signify something.
And you couldn't be more right, you are carrying him with you EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Jennifer said...

We do carry them with us where ever we go, everyday. Not in the way that we want to, but they are ever present nonetheless. We can not put them aside when it is too much to deal with. Who would want to? All of the unfinished hopes and dreams of a future, those are present also. It simply hurts, but it is also a comfort to know they are ever present. No, we don't carry a live, physical baby that people can see, nor can the see the gaping wound in our hearts. I think that is the most heartbreaking thing of all. Others do not know we are carrying our babies in our souls and they do not see the wounds. We look normal, we just do not feel normal. Sometimes I want to shout at others that I AM carrying a baby with me that now resides in heaven. I want to tell them that my arms ache to hold that baby and my heart is filled by him. Cling to those dreams! I so wished that I would dream of Eli. Many prayers and hugs!

mom2angel said...

I know exactly what you are feeling. Today Mercedes would have been 4. I still think about her daily. Little things remind me of her. I cried today. I told myself that I didnt need to cry anymore because we have been blessed with our little Gracie...but I looked at Gracie today and sobbed. Then I thought of Sawyer.....and I just dont understand...any of it. Rest in peace little Sawyer. Mercedes is taking care of him.....

rebecca said...

I couldn't agree more...I believe we do carry our babies with us everywhere we go, their death is now a part of us that will forever be etched into our souls. Oh how I wish we could physically hold them.