Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Grievance

I was having a chat with another babylost mom last night and she brought up the topic of things she now hates.

There is a dresser, full of her son's baby clothes that she has yet to put away - there is hate there. In preparation for a long stay in the NICU she bought tupperware to conveniently bring food back and forth to the hospital. She hates that too. At one point, she said that it sounded silly to hate tupperware, but - I get it.

I hate going into my daughter's newly painted room. It is a bright and sunny yellow. The day before Sawyer was born, I helped my husband tape the walls because my dad was coming over the next day to paint. It was going to be the baby's room and Sadie's room. And the color we picked was a beautiful sea green.

So, in my closet, sits this bucket of paint. Oh, I hate that bucket.

I bought these cute white baskets - with a checked green liner - just for Sawyer. I had them full of his things, neatly arranged in our linen closet and filled with his little ducky towels, blue bath rags, burp cloths and blankets. I hated those baskets so much that they were one of the first things I begged Erik to take and hide behind the basement stairs after Sawyer died.

I hate the minivan we bought because our family was growing. Now, the seat next to Sadie sits empty. It's ghostly almost.

I hate how Sadie's bedroom feels so empty to me now. There is supposed to be a crib, a changing table, a baby swing. It looks almost barren with just her bed and tall, narrow dresser.

People say that hate is such a strong word. But when your grief takes over you, the hate comes along with it.

5 comments:

Jennifer said...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Michelle said...

Thank you for posting that. Beaufiul.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

@ Jennifer... That is beautiful and so meaningful. I am going to look back on that for a blog that I will be writing either tonight or tomorrow. Feel free to visit: wyattswhisper.blogspot.com

@ Michelle.... I totally get it. I hate Lady Gaga's song Alejandro, as that was Wyatt's song. He loved that song. He was kick and move a lot whenever I listened to it. I hate fruit and yogurt since those were his favorite things to eat. I hate them so much, that I haven't had any fruit since 6/4/2010. I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I look at fruit.
I fully understanding what you mean by hating things.
<3 Much love!

Laurie said...

Can I join the "spread the hate club"? :) I hate my attic. I don't know what I'll do because all her stuff wasn't put in the far back...so I have to do it. I hate my favorite grocery store in town, because it is the only store she went to with me. I hate driving by the hospital...I hate my basement (I can't even go into why right now). I hate that "time," the thing that supposed to heal, is the same thing that takes me further from her...

Michelle said...

Oh Laurie you said a mouthful - yes. The hospital. H-A-T-E