A letter

A mother came to me. She lost her son - same heart defect. Same tragic ending. She asked me about Sawyer. This is what I wrote.

We were told Sawyer had Truncus Type 4 - which is also classified as a severe form of Tetrology of Fallot. He also had pulmonary atresia - which meant - his pulmonary artery never formed. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I didn't know any of this. When I was 24 weeks along, my fluid was very low - so low that they couldn't see the heart. So I was put on bedrest and I waited. Unfortunately, I didn't wait very long.

At 28 weeks, my water broke - then my placenta detached - I started to bleed out. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section and was not awake. Sawyer was born - limp, no heartbeat.

Somehow, they managed to revive him - only to have the cruel hand of fate deal us a bad card. The day after he was born - they told us about his heart. And how there probably wasn't anything they would be able to do. So we waited.

That night, Sawyer got worse. And worse. Finally, nothing they could do would help him any more, and we took him off life support. He died in my arms while I cried, my tears fell upon his face. He was gone.

I don't understand it. I still can't figure out how a baby made with so much love could have a broken heart. I've cried so much that the tears have made a permanent path down my cheeks. And they are huge tears. Tears only a mother cries for the baby she doesn't have in her arms.

Every day, I carry it all, while carrying him.