Tomorrow's broken promise

Tomorrow is Sawyer's due date.

August 24, 2010.

I remember sitting up after my ultrasound in late December, and thinking to myself, "I can't wait to meet you!"

I was so happy. My chest swelled with so much love at that moment. I knew I was pregnant and my little baby was so safe inside me.

Tonight, I'm up late and think about all the things I'm missing. It's easy to do when I think back on our time with Sadie. It seems like yesterday when we brought her home, after weeks of worry in the NICU. We were stuck in traffic coming home from Chicago, and I didn't care. It meant a long ride home, and I was sitting in the back with her and couldn't stop touching her soft face and smiling. No wires, no tubes - just our little miracle - all to ourselves.

Some days I think I kid myself. My head can wander to that place if I let it. The place where Sawyer is just in the hospital, and he'll be home soon. The place where we're worried, but happy. Because he's going to be okay.

Instead I'm here in a world without my precious Sawyer.

It hurts my heart so much to know that I'll never feel his skin against mine. I will never know how beautiful it would have been to nurse him against my breast. I cry myself to sleep at night, so sad that I never got to see his eyes. Oh, how I wish I could just have looked into them for one second.

I go through moments where I would do anything to be with him. I want to curl up, close my eyes and just be blanketed by his love. I want to die, I want to live. My heart has been shattered - I feel like I've only been able to put together some of the pieces. So many are still scattered all over. And sometimes, it takes so long to find one just one.