Sunday, July 18, 2010

"I will always be there for you"

I light a candle every night for you next to all of your beautiful pictures. I pray to you to come to my heart when I'm sad. I hope you aren't lonely, and know that I am a part of you and that I am always with you wherever you go.

I love you so much Sawyer that my arms hurt. They are so empty without you in them. My chest is so heavy with grief, that when I cry, it hurts. I can hardly catch my breath when I think of you, and that is almost always.

The little things remind me of you. I notice so much more than I ever did before. The dew twinkling on the grass in the morning sunlight, beautiful clouds floating across the horizon and all of the beautiful summer sunsets. Everywhere I look, I find beauty - and in that beauty - I see your face.

Your big sister asks about you a lot. I spend so much time wondering what the two of you would have been like together. It breaks my heart to see Sadie playing alone in the park or here at home. I know you're watching over her now - but my heart aches to know that the two of you would have been the best of friends.

Daddy thinks of you just as much as I do. He wanted to do so much with you - camping, fishing and cub scouts. He had so many hopes and dreams for your life. He wanted to be there for you because his dad wasn't there for him. He loves you so much Sawyer. When you died, he held you in his arms, looking out the big hospital windows - talking to you about the construction workers down below, singing "You Are My Sunshine" into your tiny ears.

Every day we go on. And it looks like everything is the same - yet everything is so different and so sad.

I am going to sleep now. I will close my eyes like I do every single night and pray to you, hoping for dreams together. Know that I will always be here for you Sawyer. I love you.

"No matter where or how far you wander - For a thousand years or longer - I will always be there for you - Right here with you."

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