Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sawyer's fight

When I was pregnant, Sawyer was sick.

I knew he was sick in my heart, but I think it took a while until it caught up to my head.

Right before we discovered that my amniotic fluid was low, I started to share with Erik my thoughts on Sawyer's movement. How he didn't move right. I know that every pregnancy is different, and that's what everyone kept telling me. Reassuring my frantic brain that Sawyer wasn't like his big sister.

I wasn't trying to scare Erik or myself, but something wasn't right. Even after my doctor told me he wouldn't move much with the low fluid, I knew he wasn't okay. He hardly kicked, and instead squirmed. That's the only way I can describe it.

Sawyer was breech the entire time too, always seeming to try and climb up as high as he could. I like to think that he was just trying to get close to my heart.

Some days, after I went on bedrest and was home all alone while Sadie was at my mom's house, I would wake up in a sweat. Sawyer wasn't moving. At all. I never told anyone about any of this. Not even Erik. I just didn't want people to think I was complaining or worrying about nothing because that's all I had time to do.

I would go straight to the kitchen and drink a tall glass of juice, that always got Sadie moving so fast it felt like she was dancing inside of me. And even after 20 or 30 minutes, still nothing from Sawyer. Then when I was about to think the worst, he would slide a leg or his arm across the front of my stomach. It almost felt like a wave to let me know he was okay.

The time when he would move the most was when I would take a bath. So I took them almost twice a day, every day. Just to be reassured that he was happy and healthy in there.

On May 27th, for the first time ever, he woke me up. It took me a few minutes to realize, that he had the hiccups! That was the first and last time Sawyer had them. I was so excited that I texted Erik to tell him. I felt - at that moment - that Sawyer might just be okay. And maybe it was just taking him longer to adjust to life inside of mommy.

Five days later - and after one trip to L&D triage because I just didn't "feel right," Sawyer was born. Not even a day and a half after his birth, Sawyer died in my arms.

People don't realize that Sawyer fought his entire life. The heart is formed within the first five weeks and it was then that Sawyer began his fight to survive. Knowing everything we know now, it's amazing to me that Sawyer lived as long as he did. And that he wasn't born until 28 weeks.

He held on. So tiny yet so strong.

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