Saturday, July 17, 2010

Walking through a nightmare

I swear to God, I've lost my mind.

Last week, Sadie and I took a nap together and the next thing I know, my neighbor is standing next to my bed, letting me know that "They found Sadie."

She wriggled out of my bed, opened my bedroom door then opened the sliding glass door and was found outside in the street. Yeah, you read that right. In the street.

I was so exhausted, so drained, so done with everything. I didn't even know she had snuck away. I didn't even hear the doorbell. Or hear my phone ringing - and it was right next to my head.

Taking care of Sadie, some tend to think, is a welcome distraction. It is in some ways, but most of the time, it isn't. Taking care of a two-year-old is nonstop. And when you have to put someone else ahead of yourself - you can't get better.

I feel like Erik's the lucky one. He gets to leave every day and go to work. He has three hours to himself on the train. I have no hours to myself. Ever.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to think I don't care about Sadie, because I do. But, I can't be the best mom for her when I'm a complete wreck. And that's an understatement.

I'm calling a counselor on Monday to set up my first appointment. I need this. I never thought I'd understand what it would be like to be insane. But I get it now. I know insanity.

My head and my heart are doing these things that I can't control. I'm alive - but the world is rushing right past me. And I'm left alone to walk through this nightmare.

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