Sawyer's Heart: A million pieces

Friday, July 30, 2010

A million pieces

I met with a good friend for dinner tonight. And the entire time, I struggled to be "normal."

And by normal, I mean the old me. I don't know who I'm trying to fool more - myself? Or my family and friends?

The moment Sawyer died, it was all different. In an instant, we were blindsided with our new existence. We had no choice but to take it upon ourselves to carry this grief, and all the change that comes with it, upon our backs.

Now I'm left with the remnants. Trying to pick up the pieces of my life that broke into a million shards of glass. Each one is sharp and jagged, bringing with it pain while leaving a new scar on my heart.

And the pieces...

They never fit back together again the way they're supposed to.

4 comments:

Wyatt's Mommie said...: I don't believe the pieces are meant to fit back together the way the where before. I think the pieces are meant to create a new object, a more beautiful and strong object. I think that is the purpose for the first object shattering.
Hopefully you make sense of what I was trying to say. xoxoxo, Megan; July 30, 2010 at 5:45 AM
Whittney said...: I understand. It feels like just trying to be my old self is exhausting sometimes. I know that things will never be the same, but I am hoping that some day they will at least be less tiring. Sort of a "fake it till you make it" strategy. I feel like I will just act this way until I figure out who the new me is. I hope that it gets easier for the both of us.; July 30, 2010 at 6:47 AM
Michelle said...: @Whittney - That is exactly how I feel. I don't know who I am yet...when I do, I can stop feeling so awkward.; July 30, 2010 at 7:18 AM
Laura said...: You all said it. All of you above. And...it sucks when there is no choice in the matter. Rebuild. Remake. Try to trust it will, in time, happen. I know I won't notice it happening...because all it really is, is survival. And, I don't feel very active in it...the process. I kinda feel that I am at the mercy of this tidal wave of change. And sometimes that really pisses me off - and then I laugh, because I didn't think I'd have the "anger stage"...ha, who was I kidding? When I finally wash up, I wonder who I'll be?

Love to you all.; July 30, 2010 at 4:28 PM

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Sawyer's Story

Sawyer Erik Williams was born on June 1, 2010 - at 28 weeks gestation and exactly three months before his due date. Just two days later on June 3, 2010, Sawyer died in his mother's arms.

Sawyer's life was cut drastically short by a congenital heart defect. He was diagnosed with a severe form of Tetralogy of Fallot and had many complications including a large hole between his left and right ventricles called a "ventricular septal defect" and "pulmonary atresia" - an extremely rare CHD in which the pulmonary valve does not form.

Sawyer's spirit lives on in the hearts of many who he touched so deeply in his brief life. May this blog be of comfort to other mothers, fathers, grandparents and families who have experienced the deep pain of infant loss.